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Thread: When to raise the issue of oral sex

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    Default When to raise the issue of oral sex

    Hi all,
    I'm a newbie who has not been able to find any advice on this subject anywhere on the net. I've probably had a lot more life experience than most of you but sometimes that doesn't help. Hopefully there are some more mature women on here that can give me their point of view, but everyone's opinion is appreciated.

    The situation is this. I have always loved oral sex, both giving and receiving. All the way to orgasm if mutually agreeable. In relationships with a partner who isn't into it, I always feel something is lacking to the point I've decided it's a sexual compatibility issue. At my stage of life, I don't see the point in a relationship where something like this is missing.

    My question is this. How do we tell when it's appropriate to raise the issue with a new partner? Not a one night stand, but someone who is seriously being thought of as a life partner. And what is the best way to raise the subject? Not actually doing it, but just finding out if the woman is into it once the relationship is established to that point.

    I'm of the opinion it's one the greatest things a couple can share, but some women just think its vulgar and are highly sensitive to the subject. I need to know which camp they are in and I'd rather find out sooner than later and move on to someone more compatible. I always feel a bit self conscious about offending someone but my view is if a woman is offended then she's probably not right for me anyway.

    Am I being sexist, callous or just fair and true to myself?

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    Hi NWC and welcome here friend

    I understand what you are saying and i can agree with you on the fact that on the long run you feel like something is missing. I've also met/dated women that had this "oral-sex phobia", some towards giving, other towards receiving, most towards both, and talking to them i realised that the more a woman is sexually unaware/not proud of her body, the more chances she's not into oral sex. It might come from a certain education she received, some sexual encounters gone wrong , or in general, due to a certain lack of confidence in her appearance that led her into a more pasive role in bed.

    I for once never considered "sex" a taboo conversational subject as i've always consdered my sexuality something not to be ashamed of and my sex-appeal is something that i put upfront not try to hide it in the back. I am a MAN, i love sex and i don't have to make excuses to anyone for that. It is a good ideea to scout ahead on the first dates prior to the sexual encounter about her viewpoint about sex (something like "What are your boundaries in bed? " ) but it's not a 100% succesfull rule, as most women avoid talking about sex, what they do or don't, out of fear of beeing considered "easy-going". Again , the" Actions speak louder than words" aplies as they might strongly say/suggest a "NO", but when the time comes they'll do a completely different thing.

    As a general advice i would say never be afraid/ashamed of your sexuality and bring your conceirns on the table ...trust me when i say , it's one thing to casually talk about sex at a dinner table somewhere just the two of you , and it's a completely different dish to talk about it after you had sex

    Cheers Mike
    "What you won't let die, won't let you live "

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    Hi NWC I agree with many of the points you have stated. If your sexuality is a particular big deal for you then is something you can discuss while you are dating (not on the first or second date though) but maybe you can discuss some of your sexual expectations while you are dating. A lot of women ask me what I want in a partner and one of the qualities I always look for are "Sexual Compatibility", I stress how important that is and tell them that it is one of my deal breakers when I dont have it....You dont have to go especifically into "oral" but you can definitely go along the lines I like to do "foreplay" and I like being "pleasured" and I like to "Pleasure" them as much as needed.....in early stages it is all in the way you say it...If I were you I wouldnt settle I have found that a lot more people are open minded when it comes to this rather than the opposite......what I have found though that sometimes I overlooked this and settled for something else when I shouldnt have (such as looks, etc)

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    Never downplay the importance of sexual compatibility in a relationship, and issues like this ARE important in the realm of compatibility. Your view of the importance of oral sex is neither sexist nor callous. And, I agree with you - it is one of the greatest things you and your partner can share together.

    From a woman's point of view, those who are offended by certain aspects of sex or who are uncomfortable talking about it tend to have VERY unhealthy attitudes toward sex. I think that, more than sexual incompatibility, is a huge red flag when getting into an intimate relationship with someone.

    Quote Originally Posted by Slick View Post
    It might come from a certain education she received, some sexual encounters gone wrong , or in general, due to a certain lack of confidence in her appearance that led her into a more pasive role in bed.
    While I agree with this, I'd also like to say from experience that some women are reluctant to give oral sex because a) They've never done it before and are afraid they'll be bad at it, or b) Someone has already told them that they're bad at it. I'll admit that I was reluctant to try it at first because I had NO idea what I was doing and was afraid I'd do a horrible job. In my case, my curiosity got the better of me (yes, I WAS horrible at it the first time, but he was kind and patient and often reminded me that practice makes perfect).

    I agree with Maximus - not something you'd want to bring up on a first or second (or even third) date. I don't think there's any set time frame for this - you kind of have to feel your way around (no pun intended...okay, fine, it was a LITTLE intended. ) and see how comfortable you are with each other. I agree that you can figure out a lot about someone's attitude toward sex by the way they feel about/carry themselves, and at some point the two of you will be comfortable enough to approach the subject, whether it's through sexual jokes or actual discussion.

    There is nothing wrong with your attitude about this at all - intimacy and sexual compatiblity is extremely important in relationships. If you're wanting a good relationship that is fulfilling in every aspect, then you need to know how the other person feels about this.
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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    Thanks all (especially OhManINeedCoffee) for the support and advice. Very helpful just knowing that my attitude about this is healthy and not so unusual.

    On a lighter note OhManINeedCoffee. How can anyone be bad at oral sex? Unless they fall asleep or bite of course

    And on another subject, I'm a bit lost with some of the protocols on the site.
    I see 'unread posts' under 'Who's online' but when I click on it, I don't understand why it takes me where it does. Also what are 'Your Notifications'?

    I received a note from Dave to be a friend which I responded to but what does it mean? Is he gay? (just joking Dave).

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    I think once you trust and like each other you should sit her down and explain that at this time in your life you want to be up front so compatability isn't an issue. Explain how different things are important to different people. Tell her you want to be totally honest about your needs as well as hers. Don't be afraid, if she's the one, she'll be receptive. Ask her what her needs are as well. Good luck.

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    Heh, Just to point it out NWC, yeah friend, some people can actually suck (pun anyone ? ) at oral sex and i'm not holding sides here...i've met women that were so bad you had to stop them if you wanted an erection and i've also heard stories about men sucking big time at it also ...Like Kel said , patience and a bit of a open mind usually does the trick , leading into a pleasent encounter
    "What you won't let die, won't let you live "

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    Quote Originally Posted by NWC View Post
    On a lighter note OhManINeedCoffee. How can anyone be bad at oral sex? Unless they fall asleep or bite of course
    HAHAHAHA! There is that, and the only other way someone (man or woman) can be bad at oral sex is if it's completely obvious that they're not having fun doing it. Enthusiasm is key. Even if someone is just plain bad at it (I agree, Slick, that those people are out there), if the enthusiasm is there, then - believe me - they're always open to constructive criticism and helpful hints.

    Incidentally, "Your Notifications" is a feature that lets you know when someone has made a friend request, sent you a private message, a visitor message, etc. It's a dropdown box, so when you click on that little arrow, it'll show a list of the different notifications you can get.

    When you click on "Unread Posts" it takes you to the "main" forum page (am I right here, Dave?) and shows you all of the posts on different boards that you have not yet read.

    Dave would probably be able to explain this better - me giving tech advice is like watching a retarded chimp installing a car stereo.
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    Heh, Kel pointed out something important there ..."Enthusiasm" in the process, that is the key ...if she/he is doing it out of obligation it will turn into this "lame morning tooth brushing" if it's a "she" or this "bored ice-cream eating while stucked in traffic" if it's a he ...also men have a tendency to go down in flames because they don't understand the female reproductive organ , but that's a different story .
    "What you won't let die, won't let you live "

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    Absolutely agree that enthusiasm is the key. My earlier comment was a little tongue in cheek (if you'll forgive the pun). Any creative suggestions as to how to enthuse someone who really isn't into it that much. In the past I've tried all the usual things like;
    > ensuring cleanliness and even a touch of deodorant
    > giving to her for weeks hoping she'd take the hint but never did
    > vocal encouragement and feedback to let her know how good it felt.

    all without success. I think its a matter of either they do or they don't. And it seems those who enjoy it because they love it are always much better. Comments?

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    Well, NWC, those three things you listed are very good things to do. Just out of curiosity - what exactly do they see as unclean and in need of deodorant? I suppose if you've been sweating all day and haven't had a shower THEN you might want a quick wash beforehand. Hell, if she's THAT concerned about cleanliness, then suggest doing it in the shower - problem solved.

    From personal experience, I always responded well to vocal encouragement - it's a confidence-booster. Also letting her know how much you enjoy it, perhaps explain as you did to us before how intimate you feel it is, etc., etc. Chicks dig the meaningful, intimate stuff.

    You do run the risk of her acting like it's only a "chore," but on the other hand, if this is someone you really have a connection with and enjoys the give-and-take nature of sex, then I wouldn't think that would be a problem. I tend to agree with you that there are simply some women that won't do it under any circumstances, and some that are fine with it. Again, a lot of it has to do with their attitudes toward sex.
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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    Lololol...

    Here is a good question I would ask:

    "Do you know what I think is weird?!?! The government makes it ILLEGAL for men AND women to prostitute, but yet, it is perfectly legal to make pornography videos! In both instances, men AND women are paid to have sex - but one is legal and the other is not. What do you think about that?"

    If she says something along the lines of ... "I don't know ... but guys who watch porno's are PIGS, and being a stripper is degrading to women!" - she is more conservative sexually and I suspect would be rather reserved on this topic.

    However, if she is like my best friend and I - and she says something along the lines of, "To each his own!" Or, "I don't mind them, and it's kinda sexy to go to the strip club." Then you know they are more liberated sexually, and enjoy it.

    This is an intellectual way to bring up a sexy topic that is thought provoking... lololol... and you get to see her reaction right away!

    Conservative answers = bad
    Liberal answers = good

    If she passes your warm up questions with flying colors, she is giving you permission to ask the big question... lol

    But if she goes on a tirade about how women are degraded sexually in society as an object and yadda yadda yadda, you need to thank her for her time and ask the waiter for a check. lololol...

    I am the resident expert on this topic, because I dated a woman for four months who told me upfront she NEVER masterbates, and that she has gone up to a year without having an orgasm... then I was SHOCKED to find that she said, "Ewwww!" when I wanted us to go down on each other.

    There are little red flags out there everywhere, brother. Don't ignore the signs. Listen how she answers those little, warm up questions. If she says, "Ewww! Porn is disgusting!" You can say, "I couldn't agree with you more! I just think the governments view on this topic is bizarre, don't you?" lololol...

    Damn, I'm smooth! I think I will write a book. lololol...

    People who genuinely love sex generally don't have any reservations about it, as long as both parties involved are mature, responsible adults and nobody gets hurt or forces anyone to do anything against their will.

    I have an extremely high sex drive, and most people who do love to please their partners because it is a huge turn on. But if you are dealing with somebody who has a low sex drive, they are going to express their love in different ways than sex. A person who is not that into sex might decide to bake you a cake, give you a massage or clean the house instead. Usually people with low sex drives either don't have the physical desire sexually and do not see the importance of sex. Either that, or they have extremely ridgid views about sex and gender roles - OR SOMETIMES BOTH. A woman like this would NOT be compatible with you, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to be with somebody who loves sex as much as you do.

    There are tons of straight women out there who absolutely ADORE going down on men. A few of my friends go on and on to me about how they love every minute of it. So these women exist, and they are out there. But a woman who thinks that porn, stripping, experimentation, and naughty magazines are "disgusting" or "degrading" will most likely be very ridgid and judgmental about sex.

    Hope this helped! ;-)

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    I never thought about trying to figure it out using that approach - that's smart!

    Quote Originally Posted by ExecutiveLez View Post
    I dated a woman for four months who told me upfront she NEVER masterbates, and that she has gone up to a year without having an orgasm...
    You have GOT to be kidding me. She has no excuse! LOVE yourself. On a daily basis if possible.
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