When will i learn

**myfavoriteword** · 10-27-2009, 12:19 PM

Hi guys...i'm back, after a very long hiatus...

third time getting back together, third time he broke up with me. when will i learn?

im a wreck. its horrible. it doesnt get easier. the only thing that makes me feel better is thinking that we will be together again. i feel sick and twisted and everyone around me thinks im completely crazy. i dont know what to do with myself. i just keep thinking that this was the first time we broke up when things were going well, he just doesn't want to commit, it'll change... etc. why does this keep happening? i keep doing this to myself. the saddest most pathetic part is knowing that i would jump at him call to be back with me. it took me 8 months go get over him only to see him again, have him chase me ruthlessly, and then dump me again. he said he would want to marry me eventually when we got back together. and that when we weren't together he always compared other girls to me and all of that garbage.. where did it all go? what's wrong with me that i chased him away a third time even when things were going well. what happens when he finally gets over him fear of settling down and committing.. i just dont know how to feel like this with anyone else. i cant imagine ever getting over my first love. i feel like its 8 months down the drain of getting over him, not speaking to him, only to have to start again from square one. because i am in complete denial about it and i just feel like we will be together again....im messed up. please help

**LizardKing** · 10-27-2009, 12:45 PM

Hey I feel your pain. I have been down such a similair road with my x. Just when you try and let go they pop back up only to hurt you time and time again. Its so confusing. I have tried everything with this girl. I know how you feel. Trying to move on when you love someone so much. People around me think im crazy too starting to think they might be right. The back and forth thing is so draining. It seems like your best bet would be NC but I know its soo hard. Just when you think you are making some progess you just get set back again and it never gets easier. I want to tell you that I think everything happens for a reason. Never used to believe that but i really think its true. I have heard the line from my x your the only person I want to be with and I want to marry you blah blah blah... I fall for it all the time. Its so hard to know what is true and what is just bull.

Im here for you if you want to talk. We are both going through a similiar sitiaution so I know what its like. Be good !!

**Dan72** · 10-27-2009, 02:48 PM

Hi hon, I'd like to say it's nice to see you, but under the circumstances I guess it's not appropriate.

Ok so you're riding the yo-yo, but have you learnt why you keep making the same mistakes? Are you strong enough to let this go and say enough is enough? Until you get to that point hon you're going to keep on the same ride. If you do what you have always done, why would you expect the outcome to be different? Somehow you need to stop this cycle and make the decision to move on from him.

Don't beat yourself so much ok? You're human and the heart does whatever it can to protect it from pain, even if the pain is delayed it's better than facing the prospect of dealing with the heartache. You need strict NC, you need to complete the 30 day challenge and then some, but you need to be serious about getting over him this time. Right now you're in denial, but give yourself time to accept what is happening.

This about you now hon, not him. Let him go, you have to so that you can move on from this. Do whatever you need to do,... we are always here for you if it's helpful.

**OhManINeedCoffee** · 10-27-2009, 03:31 PM

Hey there, Niki.

First off, STOP beating yourself up so much, okay? There is nothing "wrong" with you that makes him keep leaving - believe it or not, that is HIS issue, and I can almost guarantee you that you are not going to be the only person he'll ever do this to. I've noticed that, especially with women, it's our nature to immediately jump to the "what did I do wrong? What's wrong with me?" conclusion. From what you've been saying, it seems to me like you could've been his ultimate fantasy woman and he STILL would've treated you the same. It's not 100% your fault; it's not 100% his fault.

I don't know him as well as you, but it seems to me that one of his problems is that he doesn't appreciate what he has when he has it. And I think he takes advantage of your feelings for him. Getting over your first love is NEVER easy, hon, especially when the feelings are as strong as yours. We become afraid that if things never work out with this one person, that we'll never be able to find love. Nine times out of ten, this is simply not true. It's true that you may not have those same feelings for someone else that you had for this guy, but given how you feel now - "sick," "twisted," "pathetic," and seemingly dependent - do you really want them? Love changes with the person. Something is always different the next time around. Different can be a VERY positive thing, though.

What is it that has kept you coming back to this guy? Is it hope that he will change and be who you want/need him to be? Is it because he's comfortably familiar? Is it because you're not sure you can handle the pain of letting him go? What's the root of it? Finding the root may help you to (slowly) move on.

You'll be alright, hon. You're stronger than you think.

And, of course, we are always here when you need us.

Kelley

**myfavoriteword** · 10-27-2009, 04:27 PM

thanks everyone. the root is all of those things: being scared to let go, thinking he'll change, thinking i'll never care about someone as much as him, never being comfortable with someone the way i was with him. i'm just not ready to let go. this was so unexpected as we were doing so well. everyone tells me that i need to get out of this cycle and yet they all also expect us to get back together again - probably because i am weak and will go back to him...

when i first told my friend about this breakup she started laughing and said that its not real give me a break! he's just being a little boy. he's just scared to lose his independence and he feels trapped, he just needs time, etc. you two are so compatible and there is real love there, he is just immature right now. and thats the only thing that makes me feel okay - that one day i'll get what i want from him (and i already have twice before, when he came back begging to be together again and telling me everything i had always wanted to hear). and when i think about what will happen when he's finally ready to be with someone else and put in the work needed to make her happy i want to curl up into a ball because I am the one who deserve it from him and i just want it...

my mom and everyone else think i'm crazy to even be upset at this point. they say how can i cry after all this time and how can i want someone who puts me through so much? i feel so out of control without him and i don't remember any point in my life that wasn't about being with him or waiting for him to be ready for me again...

**Dan72** · 10-28-2009, 04:12 AM

Ya know hon, there's investing time and love with someone, and then there is making them the reason for your existence. The latter isn't healthy. His involvement in your life needs to be a fabulous addition and enhancement, not the reason for it. It's easy for people to tell you not to cry and be upset over him, but impossible for you just to flip a switch, I understand that hon. However, for RIGHT NOW, you need to think about yourself. Noone is saying you'll never be happy with him, noone is saying you'll never get what you want, BUT, for right now you need to focus on yourself and get yourself to a healthy, happy place so that if that time comes along with him, he becomes that fabulous enhancement and not takes over everything including your sanity. Think of it as investment in yourself that will benefit mainly you, but also anyone you have a future relationship with,.....whether it is him or not. You are a gorgeous girl with a lot to offer, and you don't need to feel so dependent on him for your happiness my love. Find your own happiness without him and if he becomes ready to settle, your new relationship can only benefit from your self development.

Rather than waiting for him to be ready, what about using that time to get yourself ready too? Right now your happiness depends on his treatment of you, and before you can move forward at all, that needs to change. Become the strong and happy person you've always been, then your possible new relationship will hold equal power, not that a relationship should be about power, but it certainly shouldn't be so one sided that he has this kind of power over you.

*Hug*

**xxSPHYNXxx** · 10-28-2009, 09:10 AM

Hello my friend~

I have read this thread and I agree with what the others have said as well....I want you to know first of all, you are not the only person that has gone back....we all have and some of us have gone back many times and guess what? The same result has happened to us too. We want to believe what we are being told but the bottom line is we have to realize what their actions tell us and what they have previously shown us.

Trust is a huge component of any relationship. Once the trust factor is gone its just impossible to have a good relationship and healthy one. I agree with what the others have told you, you have to dig deep and do whats going to help YOU. Right now as hurt and devastated as you are, you have to try to focus on what to do to get you out of that abyss your in. I also agree you have to quit beating yourself up and you also have to quit looking for answers as to why it happened again....it will only create 100 more.

Complete no contact of any kind Nikki, your going to have some rough days but I am sure you remember that eventually, it does get easier. You already took step one which is the hardest.....you reached out and asked for help.

We will always be here to help you. Take it one day at a time so you don't get or feel overwhelmed. Your a beautiful person Nikki inside and out.

Always here for you.

Hugs,

xxSPHYNXxx

**DaDamTaDamDam** · 10-30-2009, 06:27 AM

Hi favorite,

I really can relate to your feelings. I am feeling down at the moment as well. Before I found this forum I always told myself that other people on this world may have been heartbroke before but that noone ever felt a pain similar to mine. I know now that is definitely not true.

Whats more, I have learned that the only one who could ever change my feelings is myself. That s what all the wonderful people on this board can help us (who are heartbroke) to realize. They can give us advice and share their knowledge with us. They can lead us on our way, show us the direction we have to go. But from here WE HAVE TO GO THIS WAY!!! And this way is hard as hell.

Quote:

Originally Posted by myfavoriteword

thinking i'll never care about someone as much as him, never being comfortable with someone the way i was with him.

I felt and most days am still feeling the same. I have these feelings but I KNOW now that this is not true! At the moment I am not able to give my heart to someone else. But I know that there is so much love out there and we are full of love! We have the right to give AND receive pure and honest love!!!

Truly loving someone, helping him/her in every situation, sticking together in good and bad times, even giving yourself away for this person is the most beautiful thing in life! Unselfish love! Loving and expecting nothing in return (but true and honest love)! That s what selfless service is about, in my opinion this is almost like divine love! BUT if someone is not willing anymore to receive our love or don t really appreciate it, than we have to take a few steps back in order to protect ourselves. If we suffer while giving all our love to someone than somehow it can t be love anymore (strange but true). Love should make us feel better too, not only the ones we give our love (and who just take/use it when they need it)!!!

As you wrote "thinking I'll never care about someone...". This is so true! And it s a good starting point to realize that it s really all about YOU!!! YOU THINK that, and YOU HAVE THE POWER to change your thoughts (and with your thoughts change your feelings too), ONLY YOU!!!

There is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!! You re just hurting at the moment! IT WILL PASS!!! I am telling that to myself every single moment I am thinking of her!!! (and that s most of the time) She s my first true love as well and I guess because we never felt so close to someone it s even harder for us to imagine we can feel the same again with somebody else! BUT WE CAN! I know it because I believe the people in this forum!

We have to be strong, independent, loving persons. First of all we have to love ourselves! If we cultivate this attitude in our daily life we will definitely find mister/misses right for us! Maybe it will be our exes who realize how amazing we really are (and who change themselves and their behaviour in order to get back together with us) maybe it will be someone else! We don t know the future. But WE WILL LOVE AGAIN AND BE LOVED!!! 100 %!!!!

You are a wonderful person, always keep that in mind!!! We all stick together here, people who already have gone through it and people who are still in it!

Love,

Daniel

**ruby09** · 11-01-2009, 10:38 AM

Don't beat up on yourself. You have to get to the point where you realize down deep that you are worth alot and deserve the love story you imagine.
I am in the same boat. After one year of struggle we went through 14 wks n/c then he came to me saying he wanted to make things right. We got together and it was ok for awhile. Then he started with the old behavior. Of course I said nothing. He was without contact for 14 days, his choice. I finally got worried and texted him asking if he was ok. He said he was but that I didn't contact him either. He wants me to do the chasing. We had words and I said I think we should be acquaintances only. He said he could give me what I need. Very next day he didn't contact me and the next day as well. I texted him asking if he was in a coma. He answered, no I'm alive. I told him since he obviously can't give me what he said he could, we were done. I told him his only hope was the coma. I have never let anyone get away with all he has and he isn't my first love. Its obvious he only comes near me because of the sex, and I love him and want more. I was always very strong in the love department. I finally realize he will never be or give me what I need. I feel hurt but at the same time strangely liberated.
I feel for you because I understand exactly how you feel. You deserve being happy. The thing is the more times you go back the less respect he will have for you. Remember, the person who cares the least has all the power. Don't give him your power. Defend yourself and surprise him next time he comes calling and say, no thanks I need someone better.;)I'm here for you.

**myfavoriteword** · 11-02-2009, 04:50 PM

i want to thank everyone for all of your posts.... i haven't been on for a few days because i've been trying ot distract myself and also trying to distance myself from all breakup stuff for a little bit because i don't want to be immersed in it, you know?? this time it's different... i realize my worth and i know that there was nothing i could possibly have done to make him stay - it wasn't my fault. that said, i still miss him, love him and wish things could work. it's so sad because i realize that over the last 8 months we spent apart, i grew and learned so much while he just kind of..stagnated. that's why i guess he was so excited to have me back in the beginning - because he hadn't been doing anything for so long and i was a breath of fresh air to his boring life. nonetheless, he doesn't want me YET AGAIN. so i am trying to comfort myself in the fact that it just cannot and will not work now. it's really hard for me to tell myself it's over FOREVER. i just can't. i've been in this whole mess for three years and i can't picture the day that he doesn't matter to me - 8 months passed and he still mattered. but he is doing nothing to change and has nothing to offer me right now so it won't be right. i wish i remembered how i felt when sufficient time had passed last time we broke up. because right now my memory is very twisted and i'm scared that during the entire time we were broken up, he was still in the back of my mind all the time, like he is now. i'm hoping that that's not true, and that i actually was happy just from living and not from thinking we'd be together again some day. wish there was something i could to to make him stop being so scared of commitment because we would be so perfect if he wasn't such a baby in that regard. oh well. i am trying to remind myself that my life is still full without him (which it really is) and that one day i will actually care about everything and everyone in my life again and stop worrying about him coming back. (the truth is that i think he will. but i am going to try to hold out for something better when he does).

head vs heart is so annoying. my mind is so clear and logical - he is confused and doesn't understand himself. he has nothing to offer me and i KNOW i wasn't really happy and fulfilled. i wish that was enough to make it stop hurting but it's not. the rejection and disappointment is still so painful even though i know that he will eventually know that he's losing out (as he has come to realize TWICE before) and i will (hopefully) be with someone who for once in my life doesn't make me chase him.

maybe someone with a bit more experience can help me out with this: i guess i'm just worried about overcoming my first love. feeling that nothing will ever be better and that i'll never feel like that with someone again. like that connection i have with him will never ever happen between myself and someone else. the horrible part is that i get sad thinking that one day i really won't care about him, someone i used to love so much. so basically, i'm sad to not be over him but i'm also sad to get over him one day, also just scared that i never will... please just tell me that i am being ridiculous.

**Dan72** · 11-02-2009, 04:59 PM

Nikki,

You're not ridiculous my love, you're human. Seriously, you sound so set on beating yourself up over the fact that this has happened more than once with this guy. STOP IT. I know you're struggling with reality hon, but you also need to stop thinking such long term anything. Stop worrying about 8 months, 8 weeks, or even 8 days down the line. Baby steps are what's needed here. One day at a time. Your desire for him runs so deep that you NEED nc more than ever right now to gain clarity from this. I know you say that 8 months went by last time and he was still in your head/heart. However, you never really let go then though right? You always longed for him and hoped for a reconciliation. One day at a time, no contact, Nikki time with friends and family and remembering that you were a whole and wonderful person before you met this guy. You WILL be that person again, but you need to find a way out of your thought process because right now it is causing you more pain.

Nikki is a whole person and does not need another to make her whole.

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